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14 Aug

Hockey fans, give me your tired and depressed, your vacant seats and foam fingers. You have nothing to lose but your chains.

You have yet to realize what a great opportunity the NHL 2012 lockout brings you. As the lockout grows (and your NHL meds start wearing off), you will come to remember things long forgotten:

1. Fandom is for cultural robots. It’s nothing but mass herd mentality and marketing. You don’t need it. You’ve never needed it. This is an opportunity to remember how to be a father again, and do something that is actually meaningful with your time, your kids, your wife, instead of watching for 3+ hours while millionaires with only a rudimentary understanding of anything beyond their hockey bags chase the puck around.

2. The NHLPA showcases EVERYTHING that’s wrong with normal unions that you forgot because you like to watch them dangle the puck and shoot and slide (in between off-seasons where they complain about wages endlessly and plan their next walkout.) You will realize that you are being held intellectually, monetarily and temporally at gunpoint by overgrown high school students who think their million dollar salaries are only a pittance compared with what society REALLY owes them.  That calculation is made using the following equation: 30(Poor Me x Poor Me x Poor Me) x (Lets make everyone suffer until we get what we want) x (we know that society is full of spineless jelly fish that will give in, eventually) = Every Union in North America.

The fog will clear and you will realize that the NHL and the NHLPA can only hold you hostage as a consumer if you let them have your brain.

Don’t give them your brain, people. You need your brain. Shut your t.v. off, take all your jerseys and make a pile in the backyard, and light it on fire.

Then repeat after me – “1, 2, 3…………. Wake-Up!”

When you do, you’ll look back at the zombie world of fandome, and you won’t give a frozen puck what the NHLPA does or does not decide to do.